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Second Chance – Why I Left

Sometimes, it’s just better to leave, they say. If people hurt you, leave them. If situations make you uncomfortable, avoid them. If something seems too hard, just walk away. Sure, leaving is easy, but if everyone just LEAVES, who’s gonna stand up against all the bullshit (excuse my language) out there???

I apologize to all the optimists out there but one person can’t change this. One person can’t change a system. One person can’t change an ideology. One person can’t change the world. All these things are made by multiple powers. Powers, I say. Not people. And to destroy something, you need an amount of energy that is equal to what was used to make it.

Now, that I’m done with my rambling (it WAS purposeful rambling, mind you), I’ll get to the main topic: Why Did I Leave??????

Well, going over that topic is meh, considering that I am back and will hopefully not be leaving any time soon, unless I have a major breakdown or something of that sort (this is where I started laughing so hard it hurt. I have no idea why. I’m just weird O_o). So yeah…… (*awkward silence*)

Concluding this post, I hope you all have been well. And yes, I AM a shitty blogger. I need to be more consistent with my posts, I need to disappear less often, and when I DO disappear, I need to NOT delete my blog. I’ve got that all covered this time. Pwomise :3

Ciao,

M.

Results?!

Yes. I’ve got them. They’re here, and I’m over the moon about them.

6A*s and 2As. And those 2As are the subjects I didn’t study for 😂 and don’t care about AT ALL. And A*s in Maths, Chem, Biology and Physics!! Also when Maths A* was at 183 out of 200. So yeah, this post was short, but I’m celebrating in my own very lazy way 😅. I can’t thank God enough, honestly.

Love,

A very happy M.

P.S. thanks for the prayers 😁

Sexism- Again

Desi weddings are something I absolutely despise. Partly because I can’t be bothered to dress up and also because I hate confronting prying relatives. “Why have you gained weight?” “Your skin has gotten darker.” All of this would be enough to send anyone reeling emotionally.

My brother, on the other hand, enjoys all sorts of compliments. “Your son is getting more handsome with time,” said someone to my mother, while I sat quietly in a corner. My mother’s aunt, who is particularly kind to me, told me I had gotten slim, to which my mother replied, “No, she hasn’t!”, while I just looked at her nonchalantly; a look that has taken years to develop.

I’m now lying down, too exhausted to feel anything, while my mum and my cousin are at a salon, getting pretty for the wedding tomorrow. I refused to go with them. The last thing I want to feel right now is ugly as the workers at the salon compliment them while I sit there doing nothing. I feel so tired I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering never coming back here again.

In Islamabad (that’s where my paternal grandparents live), even though old age has made my grandparents extremely cranky and the hygiene at their house, thanks to the inefficient domestic help, is sub-par, I’m still loved there. They make me feel like I’m worth something. My grandfather, even when he’s being insufferable, will say something as simple as, “You make us proud” or “You’re going places”, and it’s enough to put a smile on my face. It assures me that I’m worth more than just my looks. Not once do they talk about my complexion in front of me, and I don’t care if they do so behind my back.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually looking forward to going back to Islamabad. And even more than that, I want to go back home.

Ciao,

A very numb M.

WATTPAD ISN’T WORKING IN PAKISTAN?!

It’s typical summer vacations. We’re visiting family in Pakistan, and there just isn’t enough to do. With these languid days and no particular occupation at hand, Wattpad is usually a welcome companion. Now, I know most Wattpad stories are very crudely written, but I’ve managed to find quite a few authors who have exceptional storytelling skills.

So you can probably imagine my horror when I noticed that Wattpad wasn’t working. A quick Google search showed that this had been going on since a couple of months. It did, however, work perfectly well with a VPN connection. I was furious, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very patriotic Pakistani, but the mistakes some of our institutions make can be called nothing but plain stupid. Just last year, PEMRA ‘accidentally’ blocked mainstream websites like BuzzFeed and a few others. Go figure.

So, I came to the conclusion that Wattpad had been blocked as well. Why? I don’t know, and I don’t think I ever will. What really bothers me is that when there is so much content online that SHOULD be blocked, all they could find was Wattpad? Take TikTok for example. The social media app which was formerly known as musical.ly has been responsible for the Pakistani society’s recent (further) moral deterioration. But THAT isn’t a problem. Of course not. Wattpad needed to be blocked because some REAL talent was blooming on there. Writers had started monetising their stories and could earn money while doing what they loved and did best. Clearly, that isn’t acceptable.

Love,

A Very Annoyed M.

P.S. more on my trip to Pakistan in the upcoming posts.

I’ve Tried My Best. Now What?

Yes, people. The results are out in 11 days. Go figure.

Me texting my friends: yo the anxiety is killing me.

What I end up sending: hey sis, how are the vacations going? 😁❤️

Me to my parents: will you disown me if I don’t get straight A*s?

What I usually say: hey, please pray for my results 😭

My parents: we know you’ve worked very hard and that’s all we’ve ever wanted from you, so it’s okay, believe in Allah and that he’ll listen to your prayers and reward you for more than you’ve done…

ALSO my parents: but that doesn’t mean you can get bad grades 👹

So I’m sure you pretty much get the picture. The expectations nothing but pile on after you’ve succeeded once. I gave three exams last year, scored 2 A*s and an A, along with highest marks in my country in one of those subjects, and my English teacher is waiting for ‘more good news’ regarding that A* I got in the English exam I did last October. Somebody please tell her to stop (even though I’ve got my fingers crossed too 😁🤞🏼).

Anyways, so the whole point is, I can’t change anything I’ve done in my papers, but here I am, worrying till the hair on my head turn (literally) white. I get it, it’s pretty pointless, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to avoid! When you’ve worked day and night for two years to achieve something, you want to achieve it. When you put all your eggs in one basket (like I did, I didn’t do anything but study for at least 20 months), you have everything to lose, or alternatively, everything to gain. I pray, that in my case, it’s the latter. Pray and hope is all I can do now.

Love,

A very frenzied M.

P.S. I need them prayers…

Whoops

Since the past month, Google Play has been shoving the WordPress application in my face like, “Girl, you had it on your old phone, why not now?”

So, I decided to come back. After months of contemplating whether to continue with this blog or not, it was a split second decision that landed me back here. I couldn’t even remember my password *eye roll*.

If you guys are wondering why I’ve been MIA (not that THAT is unusual), I’m going to play my old card again. IT WAS BECAUSE OF SCHOOL. I had my IGCSE finals, and so I was basically AWL from everywhere. From people’s lives, from MY life, from the bookshop I so love visiting….

These past 3 months have been NASTY. Even if you do well in these exams, you somehow feel you’re flunking anyways (hats off to you, Cambridge). Not to mention the stress of:

A) The exams, which starts 3 months before the exams even begin.

B) The results, which starts when you’re done recovering from your exams, usually your third day post-exams.

Right now, I’m suffering from the latter. It’s never been this bad. Coming from someone who’s been through tonnes of stress, anxiety, and other similar issues, that’s saying a lot. Not to mention how EVERYONE tells you to stop stressing, which is obviously easier said than done.

These vacations, I’ve been burying myself in A-Level Mechanics to give myself a headstart when I return to school mid-August, and also to have something other than my results to think about. So far, I have only succeeded in the former.

If you guys believe in God, please pray for me. I have worked very hard these past two years and as the time to ‘reap what I have sown’ is approaching, I can’t help but wonder whether the fruit will be sweet and ripe, or the exact opposite.

August 13th, everyone. I have my fingers crossed 🤞🏼.

Love,

M.

Tired…

I’m tired…

Tired of not being good enough,

Tired of not being smart enough,

Tired of not being confident enough,

Beautiful enough,

Kind enough,

Nice enough,

Caring enough,

Witty enough,

Loyal enough…

But if I’m none of those things, how do I even exist?

How can you explain my existence without acknowledging the fact that yes,

I AM enough

More than enough.

For you, me, and everyone else.

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